Recovery memory suppression

It’s normal to slowly grow complacent during the
months and years after ending nicotine use. Complacency is fueled by quickly failing
memories of the daily captivity stress factors that compelled us to seek freedom. It’s also
fueled by an inability to recall the intensity of early withdrawal anxieties, the power of
cue triggered crave episodes or the duration of conscious fixation.

Most of us failed to keep a detailed record of why we commenced recovery or what those
first two weeks were like. Without a record to remind us, we are forced to rely upon our
memory to accurately and vividly preserve the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. But now, the memory in which we placed our trust has failed us.
It isn’t that our memory is bad, faulty or doing anything wrong. In fact, it’s working as
designed to preserve in as much detail as possible the joyful events of life, while
suppressing and helping us forget life’s stressful events, anxieties, trauma and pain. To
do otherwise would make life inside these minds unbearable. In fact, post-traumatic
stress disorder (PTSD) is believed to reflect a breakdown in the mind’s ability to forget.396
If women were forced to remember the agony and pain of childbirth, most would likely
have just one. We are each blessed with the ability to forget.
So how does the recovered nicotine addict who failed to record their journey home revive
their passion for freedom and recall liberty's price? If we forget the past are we destined
to repeat it? Not necessarily. But just as any loving relationship needs nourishment to
flourish, we should not take our recovery for granted or the flame could eventually die
and the fire go out. It’s my dream to protect my freedom until that final breath. If you
feel the same then we need to nourish our desires. If we do, we win. If not, we risk
complacency allowing nicotine back into our bloodstream. We risk dying as slaves.
Whether daily, monthly or just once a year, our recovery benefits from care. But where
do we turn if our recovery memories have been suppressed and we have kept no record?
Our best resource is probably our brothers and sisters still in bondage. Why not enlist
their help in revitalizing our own memories of active dependency? Talk to them. Let
them know what you seek. Encourage them to be as candid and truthful as possible.
Although it may look like they’re enjoying their addiction, their primary objective is to
stay one step ahead of insula driven urges and craves. Tell them the truth about where
you now find yourself. Although not always the case, with most you’ll find their
responses inspiring. Be kind and sincere. It wasn't long ago that those were our shoes.
Try hard to recall those first two weeks without nicotine. Think about earlier uneducated
attempts. What were they like? Can you recall your mind begging to be fed? Feel the
anxieties. Were you able to concentrate? How was your sleep? Did you feel depressed,
angry, irritable, frustrated, restless or anxious? Were there rapidly cycling emotions,
irrational thinking or emotional outbursts? Do you remember these things? Do you
remember the price you paid? Do you recall the reasons you willingly paid it?
We can go on-line if we have access to a computer, visit scores of smoking cessation
support groups and find thousands of battles being fought, hear a multitude of cries and
watch hundreds struggling for survival as they dream of the calmness and quiet you now
call home. They cannot begin to imagine traveling so far that remembering their turmoil
becomes the greatest challenge of all.
If permitted, send a message to those in need. The most important thing you can tell
them is the truth about why you came. If still in the first few days they may be facing
hurricane anxieties. Their mind may have them convinced that their emotional storm will
never end. Don’t pretend that you can feel their anxiety. Instead give them what they
need, the truth! Let them know that you’ve traveled so far that it’s now hard to relate.
Tell them how comfortable and complacent you’ve grown. Describe last week and how
many seconds, if any, that you devoted to thinking about using. Fear of the unknown is
frightening. Teach them what life on Easy Street is like. By aiding them we aid
ourselves.
It may be that complacency has you at a point where thoughts of wanting are again taking
root. But think back. How long had you gone without wanting? If it is happening,
rekindling pride in the amazing journey you once made may silence such chatter. If not
I’d encourage you to re-read Chapters 3 and 12, as I suspect that you’ve either developed
a romantic fixation with using or failed to let go of one during recovery.